30s are the new 20s
Following are a few of my recent favorites and a few pieces of good news....please post more. They make me laugh.
"She's a TOTAL cougar"- This one came from my friend Andy and was an absolute shocker for me. I pride myself on knowing what the kids are saying, yo and I'd never once heard this. Apparently a cougar (I'm still not 100% sure this is what it is...I keep calling it a leopard/panther, my friend Dayna keeps correcting me and I keep forgetting it again) is a middle-aged woman who prowls the bars looking for early to mid-20s gentlemen to satisfy her. You know, (whisper) sexually. I asked Andy to define "middle-aged" and he graciously told me it was mid to late 40s. Whew- a decade and then some to spare.
Side note: ladies, if any of you suspect you're a member of this strange feline group, might I suggest a face-saving field trip to a handy little spot in The Mission or on Polk St. before heading out to bars. Just to take the edge off and not look so....catty. Also, can we coin a phrase for the gazillions of disgusting geezers who've been trolling bars for women 1/3 their age since...well, pretty much since the invention of the bar? Anyone?
Can you see the reindeer? I heard this one last week while I was having my annual eye exam. Sean (the very nice PA) asked me to put on a gigantic pair of plastic Harry Carry looking glasses and then he said it: "Ok, tell me, can you see the reindeer?" I seriously almost wet myself I was laughing so hard. Confused, Sean informed me that this was a serious question and I should be able to see a 3-D reindeer popping out at me, otherwise it could be a sign of early-onset glaucoma. Ouch, man. The laughter stopped and thankfully I saw the reindeer. I then had to look through some goggles and confirm I could see a hot-air balloon floating over the center of some lonely desert road. More laughing, more near wetting. Sean even laughed. I just love that the optometry industry is trying to soften the scary business of aging eye diseases with reindeer and hot air balloons.
Have you ever thought about freezing your eggs? This one came from one of my dearest friends from college who is blissfully married with 2 adorable boys and wants nothing more than for all of her friends to share in a slice of this heaven as well. There was scarcely a pause between "Are you dating anyone?" and "Do you want to have kids someday" to "Well, have you ever thought about freezing your eggs?" Um, NOOOO. No offense to anyone who's done this but considering I'm unemployed and halfway-housing it around San Francisco right now, this hardly seems a smart or economically feasible option. And also, wouldn't that be a little creepy? Guys? We date, fall in love, maybe decide to get married and start a family and then oh, hang on...let me run to the freezer and pull out my ice tray of...eggs. What the fuck??? Hot or not? I'm gonna go with... not.
It's OK. I don't need to see your ID. For fuck's sake, people! Please, read more about honesty here.
30s are the new 20s- My friend Janny says this is the word on the street. I'm not sure what her source are but Janny's smart, so I'm going with it. Crazy Virgo is actually counting the days to her 30th birthday. Go figure.
Peak physical attractiveness occurs at 38.This according to the iron-clad source known as People Magazine. But whatever. I'll take it.
The average life expectancy of a woman is 84. Praise the gods, I'm much further from this demon whore of a bitch known as middle age than I thought. Oh, I found that little piece on a site called Sex Temple of the Health Goddess. A girl's gotta take it where she can get it, right?